1/19/2021
I actually scheduled an hour of writing everyday at ten a.m.. The time has arrived, I’m excited. I kept a date with myself! Not my usual story. Evidence of my will. I’ve been working through a ton of stuff behind the scenes and while I really want to practice sharing those things in real time, it will take some time for the routine to implant in my daily movements. I began some updates last week that fell apart after the first sentence or two. Basically I was observing my moods and the drastic emotional processing that is happening due to detoxing my body.
Yikes, a couple interruptions later and it’s already 10:30. What would I like to impart before the timer rings?
I’ve noticed a pattern. That feels important. Twice now I have had acupuncture and the day following I had a meltdown of toddler type propensity. Anger that came from so deep there was nothing to do but stand aside as it bubbled over and made it’s way out. I noticed it coming both times. Felt like a tidal wave heading up from my liver. I thought maybe I could outrun it. Perfect time to practice deep breathing and sending love to the forgotten parts of my body. I sat outside with the sun on my face and my feet firmly on the dirt, grounding my energy. The angers’ need to escape was stronger than my will and out it came in the form of gut wrenching sobs, screams, and the need to use the strength of my shoulders and arms with full force. I screamed into a pillow until I wore myself out. I cried to my partner until I needed to sleep. Both times felt different from anger I’ve felt in the past. The focus wasn’t on something in particular. It felt like old particles of every time I was mad were releasing and making their way out. Very cleansing. Both times were hard and scary. There was a moment where I wondered if I would get stuck in the yuckiness. What if I had stirred something up, awoken strong emotional responses that would rule my daily experience from here on out. Luckily it was only a fleeting thought. With my focus on allowing the energy I was able to purge. It left a space for an optimism that feels so fresh and full of joy. The day after, I feel closer to the self that I remember as a child then I’ve felt since I was a child. It’s big. To feel joy and to admit to feeling joy.
I’m dancing around the house, feeling so grateful for all that I have and the lightness that I am experiencing.
Digesting my food and purging stale energy are bringing back the wonder!
I want to shout out a podcast that keeps popping into my head called “Unbroken Chain”. The host Maura James has a genuine curiosity and sensitivity towards others that is so comforting and brave. I’ve got a lot of episodes to catch up on but the two where she and her partner interview each other #79/80 are some of my favorite examples of compassionate listening. Also Maura did a series of drawings called the purge totems. Thinking about those mid meltdown helps me feel Okay. Thanks Maura! You can see them on her Instagram @maurajames.
