1/12/21
After the uncomfortable and absolute crash that was yesterday, who could guess that today I would feel like wearing lipstick?
I promised myself I would write something yesterday.
Instead I slept most of the day. I told myself that writing a few words would be easy. I even gave myself permission to complain and to write without editing. Just get something down.
I am starting a new healing protocol that I want to document. My gut and mental health have once again stopped me in my tracks. I believe this can be resolved. I’m just going to have to jump in and do one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It’ll probably be easier than living with gut pain and depression that always seems to leave me full of regrets.
It’s tricky to know if I am writing for myself or for someone to read. I can hear the voice in my head changing depending on who I think is paying attention.
I want to write for myself. As a way to get to know my inner workings and possibly detect patterns that keep me locked in struggle. And I also want to write for others. Perhaps something I say will be helpful. I guess that’s for me too. I long to be helpful.
And now I’m crying again. There is something so deep in me that longs to be helpful and connected that it is painful to recognize how much I haven’t been.
Having a stomach ache all the time really zaps my joy. I find it so hard to be present. I’m kind of always wishing for whatever I’m doing to be over so that I can lay down with a heating pad. I feel guilty all the time about not being able to play and have fun with my kids.
I only have a small amount of time before I’m needed by someone else, so let’s make a long story short.
I’ve proven to myself that I can do hard things. My instincts tell me that if I go all in on healing I will find relief and have access to my old playful self(it’s been so long and I miss me). So with barely any trepidation I am easing my way into the GAPS introduction diet. My desire to heal has become stronger than my fear of eating soup stock for every meal for two years.
If I can jump in freezing cold salt water and stay for three minutes, repeatedly, I can find the fortitude to feed myself only foods that heal.
Yesterday was HARD. My second day with no grains(Popcorn, my love). Raw garlic with every meal. Lukewarm coffee that was only half caff(so dissapointing). My body was beginning to detox. My brain was cloudy, no access to words, creative thoughts, sensitive to light and sound. Talking was excruciating. Then I went to acupuncture. We worked on my detox pathways and decreasing inflammation(all my joints are swollen and achy). I guess I required stillness to integrate the treatment because my day involved the couch and an occasional youtube video on other people’s GAPS experiences, tiny house tours, and tarot card readings. Feeling like this diet was definitely not worth it. Losing my thoughts on top of everything else is too much. I stuck it out. Had the best boiled in broth burger for dinner. Didn’t expect that to be good. I think allowing myself to be surprised will be the key to moving forward. Looking for surprises.
And today I’m wearing lipstick. Things are looking up.
