Hi Laura,
As I sit here contemplating my response to you, feeling very grateful to know that someone so removed from my day to day has taken the time to reach out, I’m distracted. You wrote me over a week ago and the range of feelings I’ve experienced since then, it may as well have been a year ago. On my run this morning I took the trail that I have been running for years, I’m drawn to this particular trail certain times of the year because more often than not, I’ve come home bearing armfuls of Chantrelle mushrooms. Last year and this year I haven’t seen any. Did somebody find them first? Mental note, learn more about mushroom habitats and growing patterns. It’s so interesting to watch where my mind goes when I put my fingers to the keyboard! I had no intention of discussing mushrooms. I meant to say that The song Mr. Wendal popped into my head while running and now I’m listening to Arrested Development, loudly, in my ears, and it’s distracting me from my own thoughts. But it feels good! Speaking of mushrooms, I started adding Lion’s Mane powder to my coffee this week. It’s supposed to help improve focus, attention span, gut health, and depression/anxiety. From the looks of this paragraph, I can use all the help I can get.
I’m wondering why I am responding to you in this public format. I don’t have a solid reason. I feel drawn to public discussion with a private atmosphere(I’m here, safe in my own bubble, but still putting energy out into the world). I want to discuss emotion and your inquiry sparked a deep dive into my emotional state of being. I despise texting, my fingers don’t connect to my brain in the same way that they do when I type. Words can be challenging for me, but there is something about keyboards, typing and pianos, that syncs my brain and allows me to tap into a flow. I’ve come to this point in my life where I need new scary things to shake up my perspective and sharing something that may be scrutinized, but not caring could be one of those new scary things. Last time I needed something scary I incorporated a cold shower into my daily routine. It still scares me but I’ve gotten used to it. It terrifies me to think that someone such as you who does words for passion and profession will read this and be grossed out by the many diversions, the blatant punctuation and grammar misuse, and be bored to tears. Seems like a good reason to take it on.
When I opened your DM and read “How are you feeling” I felt my body soften and I immediately teared up. How are you feeling has a depth to it that I don’t feel with How are you doing. I think it takes courage to ask How are you feeling because you have to be willing to hear the answer. Feeling is more personal than doing, harder to summarize. Asking about feelings implies that you want the long answer and that you are okay with the truth. Feelings can be messy, it can be uncomfortable to hear someone tell you that they are feeling shitty. I realized through my intense reaction to your question that I crave depth in more of my interactions. It made me realize that I would like to be checking in with people more often. I’ve been examining my interactions, curious about the ways people give and receive energy. I wonder why I haven’t been asked about my feelings more, I wonder why I haven’t asked this question more. I want to be a person that makes other people feel cared about.
So there’s the preface. Other sorts of feelings I’ve been experiencing are all over the map. Everyday at some point I think about our upcoming move to Philadelphia and I get shivers up and down my spine. I love heading into the complete unknown. My sense of adventure is piqued and can’t wait to practice a new routine and perspective. Also, daily, I shed tears thinking about leaving my beloved community and terrain. I feel a heaviness in my chest as I watch my kids interact with people for possibly the last time in a long time. I wonder if my need for new life experiences is taking away from their need for slow and consistent familiarity. I still have a lot of health issues that require a lot of my attention. My digestion is fucked and the consequences of not putting my body first can leave me incapacitated for days. It’s time consuming to make sure I get the right foods, time to poop, exercise, sleep, pain management….My kid is in school six hours a day and I hustle to make those hours count. Often having to choose between self care or work. I worry about money a lot. I don’t have a 9-5 hustle in me. Alternative health care is expensive and I still don’t know what I want to do for a job. I want to make an impact. I want what I do to be helpful to people. I feel hopeful that if I continue to try new things and to talk about things that are important to me an opportunity to monetize my unique outlook will present itself. I feel anxious about not knowing what gifts I have and how to share them. I feel grateful to be having health challenges in a time where information is so accessible and easily shared. My bones hurt today, it was hard to put my shoes on this morning and my mind jumped to how I was going to last all day in town and still enjoy trick or treating with my kid. I also have been dreaming of the perfect slip on dress today. Thinking about the steps it would take to get it into production excites me. I swing from feeling fucked and bound to end up homeless to feeling moved to tears by a friends simple gesture.
I am sorry and surprised to hear of your recent health struggles. You were hospitalized? How scary! Was it related to your past health issues? Is there anything I can do for you? I’m really good at listening to health stories if you need to vent. I’m also pretty good at making anti inflammatory food taste delicious. I’d be happy to bring you some food or share recipes. Are you feeling better now? I liked and can relate to what you said about the universe presenting you with the opportunity to carve out your own space. I like to believe that imposed change creates an otherwise unseen position. I lean into curiosity when shitty things happen. My inner dialogue sounding like “alright, we’re here again, wow, what did I miss, what’s next”(after saying fuck a lot).
I have no idea what’s ahead of me on the other side of the country. I’m excited to join the urban farming conversation, I’m hoping that being in proximity of self expression through clothing will inspire me to create clothes that excite people. And I’m hoping to shake my soul into feeling safe enough to create deep relationships. How about you? What place do you see yourself sliding into? I wish for you a peaceful process! Thank you so much for reaching out, it means a lot to me to feel considered!
xoxo
Calli
